No excuses – The91Rewind

Recently I got into one of those Facebook debates with someone I didn’t know. I wanted to assume the other person was a decent human being because of our shared acquaintance. But, as it happens with most social media debates, I walked away feeling more frustrated and disappointed in the state of our current social climate than anything else. It seems as though we say things on the internet that we wouldn’t say to someone’s face. It also feels as though our sense of common decency is slipping, and that we are no longer willing to hold each other accountable.

The aforementioned debate began over a BBC article about Gillette’s recent video…

My cousin shared this article asking for thoughts. I read it and watched the video and thought it had a good message. I didn’t QUITE see why there was so much outrage, but that didn’t mean others weren’t justified in their feelings. This led me back to my cousins thread, where a couple thoughts had been shared.

I thought the youtube video comment was immature at best, but I was stunned by the second comment.

I took a moment to pause and wondered if it was worth responding.

I had to decide if I was going to engage in an internet debate. After wrestling with whether or not to respond, I felt like couldn’t let this sexism slide and responded. But before I knew it, my mother joined the conversation too.

Hours passed before my cousin’s friend responded…

I chewed on his words, and made one last response…

I never received a response to my comment, and I’m not all that surprised.

What has surprised me most about this, has been the resistance to being held accountable in this #MeToo world we live in. What is wrong with other men holding other men accountable for bad behavior? This video by Gillette says that some men are ALREADY holding other men accountable, but what’s wrong with more doing this? Women aren’t the ones (typically) teaching boys to beat each other up, to say inappropriate things to women, nor are they the ones (typically) silencing other women in meetings. We as women cannot fix what men are doing, but other men can (and should) speak up to one another.

Now, don’t get me wrong, women should be holding other women accountable too.

We should not excuse women being bitchy because it’s “that time of the month.” When our friends start gossiping about another woman, we have to stop the conversation in its tracks. BTW, Erica, did just this not too long ago while out with a group of her girlfriends. Want to know the best thing about this? No one got mad, the gossip stopped, and everyone STILL had a great time. We can take this even further though! When women hear that a another woman has been the victim of sexual assault or violence, we can stop the conversation from going down the “she deserved it route.” Instead we can empower the victim to speak up, or say that we hear your story, and we can that we’re sorry for their awful experience. We can sit alongside someone in their pain, and we can point out negative behavior even when we’re having fun.

Regardless of our gender, we shouldn’t make excuses for bad behavior.

I think some of the outrage over this Gillette video has to do with the fact that something has struck a nerve for a lot of people. Many of us want to say or do whatever it is that we want, but holding each other accountable makes us uncomfortable. Being held accountable means we have to make changes, and that the way we’ve always done it isn’t the way to move forward.

I hope we can be unafraid of being challenged to be better and do better.

Even if it’s difficult, I believe we need accountability. We are society that can make progress, but only if we are willing to make that progress forward. Society improves when more us improve. There was a time when segregation was acceptable, but it no longer is. There was a time when voting rights were only for white men, but it no longer is. There was a time when child labor was acceptable, but it no longer is. We still have a lot of work to do as a collective society, but if we all do our part, I’m optimistic we will become greater.

Growing with you,

Have you ever heard something so ridiculous that the only appropriate response is an eyeroll? I’m on the older end of the millennial spectrum, and while I try to distance myself from it, there is one turn of phrase I find myself using quite a lot these days…

The reply, often accompanied with an eyeroll, that is delivered when you can’t even. When someone has literally just told you something so outlandish that you can’t conceive of it.You’d rather them stop talking than go on another minute.

If there is one thing that makes me feel this way, it is an excuse. You know how they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions? I disagree. It’s paved with shitty excuses. Maybe I just have some sort of aura that makes people feel like they have to explain themselves? I don’t know, but it seems that I am on the receiving end of a lot of them.

I get it though…When we are very little most of us learn to “ask politely to be excused”; we go off to school and work and we get “excused” absences; we ask people to “excuse us” if we inconvenience them for any number of things, from cutting them off in line, to asking them to repeat themselves.

So, what is an excuse, really? Why is it provided? Whom does it benefit? At its core, an excuse is something offered to make someone feel a little less bad about something. You could say excuses are derived from guilt. Guilt is a powerful and compelling emotion and excuses are there to ease that guilt. Something less than favorable happened and an excuse is developed to soften the blow of disappointment. Most of the time, the party receiving the excuse knows it’s a load of malarkey, yet we tolerate them anyway; like a good enough excuse will glaze over any negative feelings.

Sadly, it does not work this way. Often the excuse is for the benefit of its creator more so than for the receiver. We feel better about screwing up when we can explain it. The truth is that we can only control our own behavior and excuses lead us down a slippery slope.

No one is perfect, but we should take pause before we start compiling flimsy reasons why we could not or did not do something. First of all, consider if the person you’re formulating the excuse for is even worth it. Most of the time, people are too preoccupied with their own lives to care why you didn’t blah blah blah. (Take it from me, as a yoga teacher, I PROMISE I am not judging you for not coming to class in a month. I’m just happy to see you today.)

Excuses can be damning, too, by drawing unwanted attention to something that may otherwise go unnoticed. I was late for a big, off-site, sales meeting a couple years ago. Like of the 50 people there, I was the last person in the door and sitting down as the CEO of our company was giving his introduction. I was mortified, but decided to apologize to him when we broke for lunch. I told him I had difficulty finding parking and that I didn’t mean to walk in late. He said to me, “Gosh, I didn’t know you were late until just now!” Whoops. Open mouth, insert foot.

In some situations, an excuse may suffice, but an apology is often so much better. We are all human and the truth is that sometimes we stink! We drop the ball and we make mistakes. Did you cause someone else a hard time? If so, they probably don’t care why it happened, or who’s fault it was, or whether or not you meant to do it. They likely just want you to acknowledge the incident. Excuses are not time machines. They can not take away disappointment, in fact they can actually make things worse. A sincere apology can help us relate much better than an excuse ever will.

In light of that, next time you find yourself grasping at excuses, OMG STAHP. Take a second to ask if it’s worth it? Does the excuse receiver really care? Can you simply own your choices and ask for forgiveness? Can you stand in your truth without blaming others? There’s no need to feel guilty because none of us is perfect. It’s okay to be unapologetic and authentic and late and forgetful and over-programmed and tired and make mistakes. We are human!

Let’s give up the excuses and get on with our lives. Let go of the guilt and embrace our authenticity. Go ahead and get real with people. They’ll love you for it 🙂

Tag: No excuses

Holding Each Other Accountable