pause + rewind + try again

if 37 is prime, so am i

y’all…it has been a HOT minute since i did any blogging and for that i apologize sincerely. like so many of us, life got a little hectic, personal tragedies, yadda yadda. it’s not that i want to diminish the trauma we collectively and individually faced these past couple of years, it’s that i want to move forward. this post is not about THAT, it’s about what’s going on NOW.

in this, the last month of 2022, which is also the month of my birth, which is also the peak of Sagittarius season, i want to acknowledge some truths i have come to behold. the most potent among them is the idea that we are dynamic people. all humans are capable of learning and adapting and that is awesome.

on the final days of my 36th year, i can say that i am becoming a different person: a person who is more positive and kind. i see that encouragement and understanding and loads of curious optimism are the only real way to get things done. 

i journaled about a few goals at the beginning of this year. they were mostly terrifying and i thought i would fail, so i didn’t really broadcast them (i regret my choice, but that will be a whole different article). instead, i read, researched and strategized. even though i was out of my depth, i tried to stay positive and hopeful. it nearly killed me at some points, but it paid off.

early 2022 saw a variety of obstacles: the raleigh, nc housing market was wild and it was looking like time was running out for first-time buyers like ross and i. (ross is my partner and significant otter BTW.) COVID-19 was still looming large with variants popping up and making things dangerous. studio yoga classes were unpredictable, and i was eager to expand my outdoor yoga schedule and nurture my little corner of the yoga community. 

i was also feeling frustrated with my marketing career and curious if there might be something better out there for me. if i may–the great resignation is a silly name to call it. people are simply waking up to the simple fact that if they are going to spend so much TIME at work, they should get to enjoy some fulfillment from it. so, yeah, i realized it was time to make a change.

it wasn’t the first time i’d pondered these life change, but i arrived at a crossroads. what was holding me back? information? certainty? i mean we can always have more money and time, but realistically, my fear of failure was stopping me from starting.

this made me LOL. when i walk it back, it doesn’t make sense. how can i be fearful of something that hasn’t EVEN happened yet? like for real. i did not have the answer to whether i could do these things or not, and yet, i was totally subscribed to my limiting beliefs. i allowed my fear of an uncertain future outcome to rule my present circumstance.

i decided to do an experiment; i had to at least try to manifest these changes. just like in yoga, i tried to think about the situation in a different way. Instead of how i would feel if i didn’t get what i wanted, i considered how home ownership, a new job, and more outdoor yoga classes would positively impact my life. the more i meditated on this, the more i was motivated to make it happen. the expression “nothing to lose and everything to gain” had never been more true. 

there were a few moments of affirmation along the way where i felt like i was on the right track. we got pre-approved for mortgage lending which felt great! even though it was still chilly outside, people were asking me about my outdoor classes, saying they’d seen my instagram stories and wanted to try it out. i also started getting excited as i perused marketing job postings on linkedin and indeed. 

it was a very slow burn though, and each of these goals took months of planning and scheming to actualize. then, when i finally “got in the game”,  i experienced several losses. we went to dozens of home showings and had offers get rejected. i had many zoom interviews with nary a word from the company. i was struggling to find a new yoga venue and the online classes were not getting traction. i was discouraged and it all had me wanting to give up. for some reason, (maybe it’s just my stubborn Sag energy?) i kept at it…

the possibility of change catalyzed that curious optimism again. i noticed how the pursuit of these big goals really fueled me. and, i decided that even if it failed, it felt good to at least be trying to change. i was doing things not because i had to, but because i wanted to and that also felt kinda nice.

of course the yoga teacher in me also considered this time to be a wonderful opportunity to practice managing stress, LOL. oh, and the stress was palpable. i cried a lot, yelled a lot. i went on runs and cried, i did yoga and cried, i talked to my mom and best friend and cried and yelled. as much as i wanted to give up, i was relying on myself.

among my three big goals, a theme emerged: finding solace in uncertainty. i had to sit with ‘not knowing’ a LOT this past year. when you put yourself out there, even in a quiet way like i did, you can get rejected. which i did. quite a bit. but every time you don’t immediately die after that rejection, you become wiser and more resilient. and less afraid of future rejections.

eventually, the little dream nuggets came to fruition. we became homeowners and moved into a cute place we love. this fall, i added a second weekly outdoor yoga class and met tons of new clients. i also started a new position with an amazing experiential marketing firm that does incredibly powerful work for communities i love.

i have to shout out Ross because the homebuying process could not have happened without him. we truly did it together in every aspect, and i am grateful for his support. we are planning to die here though because neither of us want to move again, ha!

so, as i head into year 37, i am full of curious optimism. i’ve learned that i am a person who enjoys a challenge and likes to work hard. i’ve also learned that, while i do NOT like it, i’m a person that can sit with a little uncertainty and not explode.

the number 37 is prime, and so am i. while i don’t advise plotting a course for three major life upheavals in a single year, shoot your shot! it might be fabulous.