The91Rewind

This month, “How Did You Get Here” takes us to the beautiful desert of Arizona where we get acquainted with Kari Pichora, or KJ as we know her. KJ and Erica met in 2017 at Ragnar Carolinas, a relay race on the trails of South Carolina’s Ann Springs Close. KJ’s love for outdoor adventuring combined with her kind and down-to-earth spirit is captivating. She moved to Arizona earlier this summer, but we had to keep in touch with our girl! Luckily, we managed to catch up with her this week, in-between trips.

By day, KJ is an orthotist, or is it a prosthetist? Some weeks, maybe it’s both. She works with her clients to create unique orthotic and prosthetic equipment that will aid in rehabilitation and ultimately help them get back to enjoying life. When she’s not working to put people back together again, she’s working on herself. KJ is the poster-child for solo travel and she’s sharing a little of what she’s learned through exploring the world as a party of one.

Tell us about life in Arizona! Why did you want to move there?

I had the opportunity to live in Arizona for a few months in 2014 and loved it. I found the desert very calming. After my short stay I ended up in LA and found myself driving a couple of hours most weekends to the desert for adventures; the wildlife is abundant and you will never hear such stillness and quiet anywhere else. I decided to go back to Phoenix to enjoy that calm feeling, be outside every day (yes, even possible in the summer!), and have basically anything I want to do hobby/activity/exercise/eating-wise at my disposal. Most others are also out taking advantage of living here and as an early riser, it’s nice to see so many other people out before the sun. Also, the people are consistently friendly. Simply put: I feel like I fit in and belong in the desert!

What is the most rewarding thing about solo adventuring?

I always say “it’s not an adventure until things start going wrong”…and adventuring alone makes you figure it out. There are lots of lessons learned in preparedness and working through problems that can translate over into day to day life. Also, I’ve met a lot of wonderful and impactful people that I wouldn’t have met if I was with others.

What is the best adventure you have had so far?

That’s like asking me which one of my cats I like best! Any adventure that takes me to places I can’t get to by car is my favorite. One place I always find myself going back to though is Zion National Park. Every time I go there it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. The beauty is breathtaking, the hikes are diverse, and the views are worth the work you put in. Zion is one of the places that has changed me in that it has helped me to want to do my best to be healthy so that I can do the hikes and see the views of all the places.

What motivates you to travel and adventure on your own?

It’s knowing that I can either go alone or not go at all. I started doing things on my own because people would cancel plans. I started just by doing simple things like dinner on my own. You begin to become comfortable with your own company which is an amazing thing. I then went on a cruise by myself. And then adventures like hiking mountains and camping. Being alone helps me be more mindful of my surrounds and notice things I wouldn’t with others but it also makes the times that you do get to experience something with someone that much more special.

I also like to do adventures like camping and crazy hikes because I think being uncomfortable is good for us. The world we live in has made it too easy for us to maintain comfort all the time and we begin to take it for granted, and worse, expect it. I see people literally break down because of silly things that go wrong and they have to be uncomfortable for even a short period of time. Go on a three-day camping trip with no running water and you’ll come out with an enhanced appreciation for the things we take for granted and a lot of them at the expense of the planet.

What is the most challenging part?

Learning new skills…like pitching a tent and building a fire! It’s true what they say: if it doesn’t challenge you it doesn’t change you.

What have you learned? What advice would you give someone else who’s interested in being a solo adventurer?

I have learned that being able to find your bearings is very important! Always have a map and take a class to learn some skills (REI has some good ones). Also, trust yourself. If something feels off, whether it’s the route you’re taking or the campsite you picked, you’re probably right.

And lastly, be prepared to go with the flow because you can’t plan for everything. Once I was traveling to Sedona from LA for a half marathon. Along the way, I remembered that AZ doesn’t participate in daylight savings time. Forgetting this small detail meant I was cutting it close and may miss the race. I remembered there was also a half marathon taking place in Yuma which was a little closer. I decided on the fly to reroute. So, there I was, in Yuma (very southern, hot AZ) but dressed for Sedona (cold, especially coming from LA).

I wanted to accomplish a half marathon that day and I was going to make it happen! Otherwise, I would have gotten up at 2 AM for nothing! It was a good decision because after the race I drove to Organ Pipe National Monument to camp and explore and met one of the most special friends that I have right now. Even though you think something isn’t working out how you want, don’t focus on that. Reroute your focus, change your goals, and succeed…kind of like the average workday, right?!

How has it changed you?

It has helped me realize I’m stronger than I thought. Some of these things may have seemed beyond my capability until I was in the moment working through it. I’m not good at asking for help in my personal life but doing adventures solo has allowed me to practice that. I’ve asked strangers for lots of help over the years and not one person has denied me help and not one person expected anything in return even if I tried to give them money. A stranger has fed me, a stranger has towed my car out of a ditch, a stranger has helped me put up my tent so I have shelter, a stranger has helped me find my way either literally with directions or with life advice..and the best part is, some of those strangers are now great friends!

I also find myself not even thinking about helping or doing nice things for others when I am in the situation to do so. I think about the help I’ve been given often and it’s nice to put that back out into the world when I can.

What has surprised you the most?

The way people treat you when you’re alone. When I went on the cruise alone I got weird looks when I would go to dinner or events alone, extra special service (which I won’t lie, was nice!), and just surprised exclamations that no one would be joining me even though I would say “just me!” with a smile and hold up my book. A couple I made friends with said they thought that maybe I was going through some tragic life event like a divorce. It made me realize that a lot of people are so uncomfortable with their own company, that they need to have a reason to be seen alone. This was a while ago and I think it has changed since then which I am happy to see.

If I’m on a camping or hiking adventure a lot of people exclaim how brave I am for doing it alone and I feel like they tend to watch out for me. It has been surprising to see just how caring people actually are. I remember one couple returned my mace that fell out of my backpack at some point and I had no idea. They asked if I had mace which was really weird (thank goodness it was daytime!) and when I realized it was gone they presented it to me and said that I was the only one they’ve seen alone so they figured it was mine. It restores my faith in the world that we live in a society where people watch out and are concerned for one another 🙂

We are so glad to have caught up with KJ between adventures.

It seems like her relationship with nature helps her find and connect with humanity in the world. We LOVE and are inspired by her story and can’t wait to get outside and look for the good in the world.

How has it changed you?

What has surprised you the most?

We are so glad to have caught up with KJ between adventures.

pause + rewind + try again

Pay it Forward

October 9, 2018October 12, 2022 The91Rewind

About two months ago I was struggling from a breakup with a man I adored. Our relationship wasn’t perfect but I loved him wholeheartedly. After it ended, I was sad, my self-esteem was at an all-time low, and I felt empty and exhausted emotionally. I gave so much to that relationship that I lost myself along the way. I lost my joy, my self-confidence, and my ability to laugh. I’m used to feeling confident and light and instead I wanted to hide and questioned my worth.

One of the things I always wanted was for my partner to compliment me.

If I had a pretty dress on or if I took the time to get dressed up for a date, I would wait for him to notice and hopefully tell me he appreciated the effort or even just me as a whole. Sadly, words were not his strong suit and in the year we dated, I yearned for a compliment or kind word. After we broke up, I wondered how many other people have the same yearning for those kind words or a genuine compliment that I did. I decided I didn’t want to wait for another man to fulfill that need and sought to fulfill it for others instead. I noticed more when someone would post a pretty selfie on Instagram and began taking the time to let people know I thought they were hilarious, that they glowed, that they were strong, and that they had a sweet smile. I shared how amazing their new haircut looked, or that I loved their outfit, or how radiantly happy they looked. I decided to pay it forward and sought to look for the beauty in others that I wanted someone to recognize in me.

In the time that I started giving love rather than asking for it I have witnessed so much joy.

The reactions﹘warmth and happiness﹘that I’ve received in response to a sincere compliment have given me so much more than I anticipated. Seeing women revel in their strength, beauty, courage, intelligence, and grace has been a gift. I treasure knowing that such an easy gesture can bring so much joy to others. By shifting my focus, I have been able to rely on myself for the things I need but also to be a source of love and light for others who might be struggling like I was. Mark Twain said you could live for two months on a good compliment and I truly believe that.

Sharing kindness and love is free..

In the time I started to sprinkle it, those seeds have grown. Grown into my own confidence, my own joy, and my ability to bring joy and light to others. I would like to challenge those struggling to pause for a moment and instead of looking for something, look to give something. A kind word, an act of kindness, a small token of affection, be the light for others. If I have learned anything these past two months is that we get more by giving than by receiving. So go out and sprinkle a little love today, light it up!

Thanks for checking out this post by our guest contributor, Rhea!

We are so inspired by her effort to #payitforward that we have created a challenge that will help each of us keep an attitude of gratitude. Using the hashtag #sharingkindnesschallenge, we want to hear your stories about sharing compliments, thoughtful words, smiles, good vibes, and other random acts of kindness with your community!

Never shared my cool medal from #ragnarreachthebeach!! So fitting I got the "more cowbell" one on the team. Because I got a fever… 😂🐮🛎🏅🏃🏻‍♀️ #ragnar #ragnarrtb #medalmonday

Rhea is a writer, marathoner, and run streaker. She is currently on an almost 5 year run streak and you can see her out and about Raleigh on her daily run. She is also the proud dog mom to two rescue beagles, Jack and Benson.

just for fun

so many girl dates

October 4, 2018October 12, 2022 @happedancing

An exciting thing has happened. My calendar is full of dates! Not like romantic dates, but friend dates, with my girlfriends. As I get older, it seems I have to work harder and harder to find time for friends. Life is demanding, and most of us spend the majority of our time at work, or several different “works” if you’re like me. With the time we spend not working, we have to manage a lot of crap. Not crap, life. We have to manage the entire rest of our lives when we aren’t at work. It makes me tired to even think about, but it’s exactly why I feel this excited to have so many girl dates.

First off, I call them “dates” because

I write them in my calendar…in pen. I use bullet journaling to stay organized and I notice when I’m really excited about something, I write it in PEN (and usually add a little doodle.) This is significant because it’s a sign of commitment! If I think something may get cancelled or moved, I will write in pencil. There is nothing I hate more than a scribbled-out bit of text in my notebook.

I’m noticing that dates with my girlfriends usually involve a new experience.

Sometimes this is on a small scale, like trying a new recipe, running a new trail, or tackling a workout class I’ve never been to before. Sometimes it’s on a large scale like going to see a band I’ve never heard of or traveling to a new part of the world. Hanging with my girls introduces me to so many things. (Thanks to Jessica for my love of Tempeh, Kat for introducing me to Rainbow Kitten Surprise, and of course to Amy and Heather for helping me fall in love with Lawrence, Kansas!) My girls and I crave adventure. We love to connect with one another and value the experience of learning about each other and with each other, in new situations!

Speaking of learning about each other,

it seems like spending time with “the girls” brings out our similarities. I can see a bit of myself in each of the women in my life and it encourages me to be a little stronger, a little kinder, a little more better. A good conversation with a gal pal can even help you feel more connected. Back in 2016, I went through some pretty hard times. My bestie Crystal would call me twice a week and make me tell her things I was thankful for. Some days it was hard to come up with something to be happy about, but she wouldn’t let me off the hook until I did. It was a simple gesture and may seem insignificant, but to me it was love.

Women face so many unique circumstances every day.

It can get overwhelming, especially in today’s climate where the word “feminist” is synonymous with radical extremism. When we get the girls together to share stories and try new things we see just how alike we really are. We tap our inner strength and become more resilient. We can face challenges with more gusto because we may just know someone who has been through it too.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of organizing a girl date extravaganza.

I managed to convince 15 of my adventurous gal pals to try handstands with me at a special yoga class. (Note: there was a man in attendance, but that’s not what this article is about.) Just like any host, I was concerned that everyone would have a good time, but we got along famously. It was such a joy to see my friends trying new things and having fun. I didn’t realize how important this event was to me until I saw all these beautiful strong women in the room. They were trusting me to show them a good time, and by gosh, I was going to do it! We laughed, we cried from laughing so hard, we listened to old school hip-hop, and we lived it up.

Girl dates help me realize

that no matter how tough life gets, I have amazing magical unicorn girlfriends in my life…these and other strong women like my mother, coworkers, lifelong friends etc, are helping to light my way. When we bond, we become stronger. When women connect and elevate each other, the whole world gets better.

Sharing quality time with people you care for is always a treat…

but spending time with your girlfriends is like a whole birthday cake! If you want to live your best life, you have to get a girl date on your calendar! You’ll have fun and probably learn something, cuz girls are wicked smart!

Namaste,

Living Well

I will NOT sit by and do nothing to help

September 28, 2018 Crystal Varner Parker

Today, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee regarding her attack by Supreme Court nominee Judge Brett Kavanaugh. She told them that when she was 15 years of age Brett Kavanaugh attacked her, while Mark Judge sat by and did nothing to help.

Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assaulted.

9 out of 10 victims of rape are female.
1 in 6 women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape.
63,000 children are the victims of sexual abuse each year, and a majority of child victims are between the ages of 12 and 17 years of age.

(statistics pulled from RAINN)

Twenty-one senators listened to her testimony today. A testimony that she was terrified to give today. Several senators were sympathetic to what she has endured and acknowledged her bravery. On the other hand, we have other senators that merely stated they believe that she believes her testimony.

This is not enough.

If you have thoughts on the confirmation of our next Supreme Court Justice of the United States, I encourage you to take the time to do something. Call and write a letter to your senators. In addition to calling and writing a letter to your senators, I would encourage you to contact the members of the Senate Judiciary Committee. These senators are currently deciding on the president’s nomination. This committee is tasked with whether or not they recommend the entire senate vote on confirming Judge Brett Kavanaugh as an associate justice of the Supreme Court of the United State. This appointment is for life.

Find your representative here.

Here are the members of the Senate Judiciary Committee

Chairman: Senator Chuck Grassley, R-IA
Majority Members:

Senator Orrin G. Hatch, R-UT

Senator Lindsey Graham, R-SC

Senator John Cornyn, R-TX

Senator Michael S. Lee, R-UT

Senator Ted Cruz, R-TX

Senator Ben Sasse, R-NE

Senator Jeff Flake, R-AZ

Senator Mike Crapo, R-ID

Senator Thom Tillis, R-NC

Senator John Kennedy, R-LA
Ranking Member: Senator Dianne Feinstein, D-CA
Minority Members:

Senator Patrick Leahy, D-VT

Senator Dick Durbin, D-IL

Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, D-RI

Senator Amy Klobuchar, D-MN

Senator Christopher A. Coons, D-DE

Senator Richard Blumenthal, D-CT

Senator Mazie Hirono, D-HI

Senator Cory Booker, D-NJ

Senator Kamala Harris, D-CA

There are 100 senators on the United States Senate and it will take 51 voting yes to confirm Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. There are currently 54 Republican Senators on the United States Senate that could vote yes. There are 21 members on the Senate Judiciary Committee, and 11 of these member are Republican Senators. Their vote could and will make a difference. Your contact will matter! Do not sit by and do nothing. Each person is hyperlinked to their contact page. If it helps I’ve included a sample letter below – all you have to do is copy and paste the text, address it to the appropriate senator, sign your name, and send.

Elected Official,

As a citizen of the United States, I want to urge you to block the Supreme Court nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Most importantly, we should never support a candidate who has a questionable background when the future of our judicial system is on line. Preventing people with questionable character from gaining positions of power and influence is the single most important issue facing BOTH parties right now. Please do your part by blocking the nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh.

I want you to know that I am an independent voter that firmly believes that the issue of sexual abuse and assault is not about being liberal or conservative. This is about enforcing the rule of law in order to protect our citizens, saying this is wrong, and holding offenders accountable. I want to make sure that you understand that someone can commit sexual assault without actually having sex. I want you to understand that women are angry because there is a history of not listening to women when they bring forth their claim. Women should not be put on trial to prove their traumatic experience. Living through the assault or abuse was bad enough, but recounting their experience repeatedly is unbearable.

Most of all, please remember that our children are watching how we respond to this. What would you say to your daughter, granddaughter, niece, son, grandson, or nephew that said they had been sexually abused or assaulted? Would you tell them it wasn’t true or that it doesn’t matter? Should they have to see their abuser rise to power while they are left reliving their pain? I’m angry and tired of the rhetoric that says this is a partisan issue. This is an issue for all Americans regardless of party lines. We need to listen to these victims, sit with them in their pain, and thank them for their courage when they speak about a horrific moment in their life.

Please do what is right and choose someone fitting of this important position.

Respectfully,

taking care

Don’t Forget to Include Me

September 20, 2018October 12, 2022 Crystal Varner Parker

Are you an extrovert or an introvert? I think knowing this about ourselves can be incredibly helpful in our relationships. Personally, I am an introvert, so it means that I ofteN need a quiet night in to recharge my batteries. BUT just because I enjoy a quiet night in, alone, and relaxing doesn’t mean I never want to join you. I do in fact enjoy spending time with my friends in a small group, BUT if that group gets too large I may start feeling a little drained. Now if I may speak for a moment on behalf of other introverts, let me say, “Please don’t forget to include me.”

The struggle of feeling left out is something I’ve battled since at least college.

Throughout my college years, I had a very full schedule. I worked full-time. I attended school full-time. I babysat almost EVERY Friday or Saturday. After working and doing so much all day, every day, I had to make time for getting recharged. Unfortunately, taking care of my introvert caused me to feel left out. At the time it hurt that I wasn’t invited out with friends, but as time has passed I honestly believe it was not intentional. I think I didn’t get invited most of the time because people didn’t think I had time. They were probably right, but it still hurt to find out my friends were hanging out without me.

Fast word to graduate school…

I was going to school full-time. This program advised us not to work more than 10 hours a week, but I had bills to pay. So instead of working full-time, I typically worked 20-30 hours a week. On top of everything else I was doing, I got involved with some of our campus committees (community service and fellowship to be exact). I was grateful for these opportunities for connection because they kept me informed of some happenings on campus. Despite my need for time for to get recharged, I was yet again feeling left out. I continue to believe that I didn’t get invited to everything because my friends didn’t think I had time. They were probably right, but I would still have appreciated being included instead of finding out that my friends were hanging out without me (yet AGAIN).

Are you noticing a trend?

I was living a very full life, I was taking the time I needed to recharge as an introvert, AND I was feeling left out. As time passes and I talk with others about these experiences, I’m beginning to think I’m not alone in this feeling of being excluded. I also think my friends noticed I was missing, but eventually they stopped asking, because I never came when I was invited. I also believe I know a way to make this better.

How to get from exclusion to inclusion

It all begins with a little self reflection. We take a moment and admit to ourselves that we are feeling left out, or perhaps we’ve been leaving someone out. Next, we evaluate our situation and see if we have any culpability in the current situation. Did we constantly turned down the invitations to go out and join the group? Did we stop asking someone to join us because they said they couldn’t come? Then we have to take the leap and ask if we’ve tried talking about what was happening? It takes courage to say, “I feel left out.” It also takes courage to say, “I’m sorry for not including you.” No one will know what we are thinking or feeling if we never speak up.

Much of life involves good old conversation.

You know, that thing we’re not always so good at doing. BUT, what’s a good friendship without communication? If you are not willing to talk with your friends about what is going on, maybe there’s a bigger issue at hand. If you do talk it out, I assure you it will be worth the awkwardness and vulnerability. It may involve rethinking the way you spend time together. Perhaps you will decide to have a girl’s night in, with some wine/kombucha/sparkling water, takeout, and binge watching several episodes (or seasons) of Gossip Girl.” Maybe you think that your introverted friend will not enjoy a night out on the town with the friends, but ask them anyway. But most of all you’ll both know you’ve had your feelings heard and will feel included. Good friends never intend to leave their friends out.

xoxo,

taking care

Sometimes You Just Need to Rest

September 13, 2018October 12, 2022 Crystal Varner Parker

Have you ever had a week where there have been many things going on, but none of it seemed THAT important? You feel busy doing nothing and you’re left wondering where the week has gone. When a week like this occurs, it can make us feel impotent. Even if you don’t feel you deserve it, sometimes you just need to rest.

For me this week has been filled with:

Running around for work.
Running around preparing for Hurricane Florence that is about to pummel the East Coast.
Reshuffling commitments that have been postponed/canceled or delayed because of the impending storm.
Scrambling to get my minivan (yup, I’m so cool!) ready for repairs because the recall part FINALLY arrived. Note: I’ve been waiting over NINE months for this part to arrive. The repair takes the entire day, and you have to remove EVERYTHING from the vehicle. (This wouldn’t be such a big deal, but my minivan is full of ALL THE THINGS needed to cart two kids around…)

running ragged and going nowhere... — running ragged and going nowhere…

Needless to say, the chaos of the week got in the way of my plans for The91Rewind.

The truth is that I am tired. And that it’s okay! I have been busy doing little things that don’t seem all that important but are still critical. Even though it may not feel like I’ve earned a break, I need one.

Things have not been bad and nothing is wrong per say, but they have not been great either. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows, even for this usually positive/optimistic/look-on-the-bright-side gal. With that said, I’m going to relax and recalibrate for next week.

It’s okay to admit when you feel like you’ve hit a wall. Sometimes you just need to rest.

pause + rewind + try again

Was it good for you?

September 4, 2018October 12, 2022 @happedancing

Feedback is a two-way street, a double-edged sword sometimes, and a sure-fire opportunity to learn something. It may not always be pleasant, and at times it can be downright painful, but the way we give and take feedback reveals much about ourselves. If you really want to grow, you have to ASK to KNOW. But first, there are a few things to consider before having the conversation, “was it good for you?”

Feedback and commentary are easily confused.

Just because someone reacts to something you have said or done, does not make it feedback. If someone offers a comment, that does not mean you have to internalize it and reinvent yourself. Feedback is special. It is an opportunity, and in some instances, the only way, to elevate a situation. Feedback, most often, is solicited by someone in hopes that they can improve something. The act of requesting feedback in itself is a show of great courage. We must appreciate any individual who values our opinions enough to ask for them.

So what separates feedback from commentary?

When do we need to pay attention and we do we let it roll off our back? The graduate school answer is that IT DEPENDS! Among other things, the most important consideration with feedback is the source. If you’re taking feedback from someone, what investment do they have in your success? Are they invested at all? If you’re giving feedback, what’s your motivation for doing so? What will you gain from the implementation of your feedback?

To be actionable feedback must be:

Objective.
Received.
Built on TRUST.

Objectivity is the key distinction between feedback and commentary.

Objective feedback is given without attachment and received without judgment. An example of objective feedback might be if you were asked to shorten a presentation to allow for questions. It seems logical that a presentation would elicit questions from a group and better to answer those in person than to follow up later. This is insightful feedback that will make the presentation better and improve the experience of the audience. In this way, objective feedback can open our eyes to an area of needed improvement and empower us. It helps us understand how some adjustments can elevate the situation and streamline potential issues. When we feel someone wants to help us be better, we are more willing to listen to what they have to say.

On the other hand, feedback can make us feel vulnerable. Whether you’re giving or receiving feedback, it can feel icky to be that honest. It can sting to hear someone tell us something we know is a little bit true, even if it’s not exactly positive. Just as it can be very uncomfortable to tell someone something that may hurt their feelings. Consider that it takes two parties to have successful feedback. The other person in the situation likely feels just as uncomfortable, but here they are. They cared enough to want to help you.

Feedback must be received to be acted upon.

Remember last week, when that jerk on the highway nearly ran you off the road, only to pass you on the right without signaling, and then gave YOU the middle finger? That is definitely a form of feedback, but it’s not likely to be received. You’re not going to chase down that motorist, apologize for upsetting them, and ask what you can do better next time, are you? Shit no! You’re going to dismiss it as commentary because you’re not invested. This person’s appraisal of your driving skills means precisely NADA to you, so you can easily let it go.

However, when one of your clients says they are moving their business elsewhere, you stop and listen. You’re invested in their feedback. You want to know what, if anything, could have been done to change the outcome or prevent it in the future. We are much more receptive to this type of feedback because it’s relevant. We believe we can learn something from it and in some cases, we are brave enough to seek it out. You know how people say food tastes better when you’re hungry? Feedback is the same way. You need to have an appetite for it…

Lastly, good feedback that helps us improve is built on trust.

When you ask someone for feedback, it is because you trust that they care enough about you to steer you in a better direction than you could go alone. When you provide feedback, you are sharing with someone you desire to help because you believe they are capable. Feedback can be a beautiful tool for building trust and fostering growth. When two or more parties trust that they are invested in one another’s greater good, they begin to see feedback as more of an opportunity to improve and less like a walk down the plank.

Sometimes we don’t give feedback. We worry it doesn’t matter, we worry that we will hurt someone’s feelings, or we don’t care enough to get involved. All of these are perfectly valid reasons, but let’s rewind a minute. A person asking for our feedback values what we have to say. It is terrifying to ask someone what they think because they may actually tell you. I’ll say it again…It is terrifying to ask someone what they think because they may actually tell you. Unfortunately, that’s part of life. I mean, they call them growing pains for a reason. Ever heard of brutal honesty? It’s a form of feedback too. If you’re asked for feedback, trust that the person requesting it wants to hear your organic authentic response. Take the leap of faith, and the experience just may surprise you.

Somewhere between compulsive commenters and the ones who clam up are the people in your tribe that have your back. If you really want to grow, you have to seek opportunities. You have to ask to know what and how you can improve. So get out there, get brave, and ask for feedback. Hopefully, now you have the tools to sift through the bullshit and glean for those glimmering nuggets of truth-gold 🙂

Namaste Y’all!
E

How did you get here

How Did You Get Here: Abigail Spanberger

August 31, 2018October 12, 2022 Crystal Varner Parker

We have a new story of transformation, empowerment, and moxie today as we continue our “How Did You Get Here?” series. If you live in Virginia’s 7th Congressional District, the name of today’s guest may be a familiar one. If you’re watching the congressional races across the country featuring strong women then there is a good chance you are familiar too. Today, we are happy to talk with Abigail Spanberger and ask her, “How did you get here?”

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

I am running for Congress, I live in Henrico County, I’m married, a mom to three girls, and I’m a Girls Scout leader. I am running for Congress because I really truly believe, particularly at this point in history, that we need people in Washington who are committed to understanding the issues facing the people in their districts, communities, and focused on trying to fix the problems facing our country. For me, this is my community. This is where I grew up. This is where I moved back to in order to raise my girls by family. For me, this race is incredibly personal for the fact that I don’t I see that same commitment to this community from our current representation. I have always been focused on public service and being engaged in my community. First, it was as a Federal law enforcement officer, then it was as a CIA operative. Now that I am in a public space running for office, it is a departure from my previous experiences.

How did you get started on your journey?

It has been an evolution towards this. I started considering how I could get more politically involved. Then it was how could I get more involved in advocating for things important to me. Then this evolved into “would I ever considering running for something down the road”. Ultimately it became a little more immediate of a thing that I had decided to run. I never really thought I would be in this place where I would be running for Congress.

What has been the most interesting thing?

Actually being able to interact with different communities and groups across the district, particularly those that I would have never been invited to enter or otherwise aware. Some of these may be a cultural community or organizational community, particularly those outside of the county where I live. Going to small festivals in places that I would never have previously known were happening. Being able to experience all these different communities has been an unexpected benefit and so rewarding.

What is the most rewarding thing about your whole process?

Seeing the excitement people have when they realize that they can have an impact on the changes they want to see. People coming to the conclusion that they can advocate for something different and learn that they can make it happen. Watching people come to this realization when we won the primary and then seeing people celebrate the success of what they wanted. While I am the candidate, I am only a piece of the larger pie, a piece of the group of people in this district that want to see something different. There are many people who are putting their time into making this it happen. There is so much commitment on the part of so many people all the way from Culpeper to Nottoway, they are the people that make this campaign possible. This has been so humbling.

You have done some interesting things through being a federal agent and CIA operative. Do you feel that they have prepared you for this or is it vastly different?

They are vastly different, but in many ways, they have prepared me. The skills I learned as both a federal agent and CIA officer were that every day was different and that you had to be prepared for anything. You have to be quick on your feet. You have to be responsive, but not reactive. While I wouldn’t have thought that being a CIA case officer was very similar to running for office because they’re not the same at all. In one, you’re trying to fly under everyone’s radar, and on the other side, you’re announcing yourself as you walk into a room. But the disposition that it requires, and the level of calm attention to detail while being very responsive is a very transferable skill.

Working through your journey that has gotten you to this point, what was the most challenging part?

I think it has been making a final decision towards something. While I was with the CIA I LOVED my career with the CIA, but ultimately with my family, we decided we wanted something different, and wanted to move back to Virginia. I had to work through the decision to leave my job and leaving a career and a calling that I loved. I then had to pivot to something new that was generally unknown. Once I got here and established a life in the private sector in a job that I really enjoyed, I then took the next step to leave all of that to run for office. This has all lead to what is basically a year-and-a-half-long job interview that may or may not go well for you. Taking each step and leaving the comfort of something I really loved to a place I believed would be the next step on my path without knowing. I was taking a step towards something when I didn’t know one end from the other. The most challenging is the second guessing if I’m doing the right thing.

What would you say you have you learned the most?

That I can only control what it is that I do, what our team does, and what we are focused on. I can anticipate, I can prepare for, but I can only control what we do.

What advice would you give someone who decided to set out on this journey?

You have to be 100% in it. You have to be totally driven to achieve a goal. It is a goal that will be shared with the people who are helping you and people who are volunteering. I would never have imagined when I launched this campaign that we would have all these volunteers. Really, truly, fundamentally understand why you’re doing it and what you’re doing it for, because the more you can articulate that through your action and words the more people who want to advocate for that same purpose will want to join your efforts. While I didn’t realize it at the time, the reason we have been successful is we have made it accessible to people who want to be involved in politics in this district and want to change representation in this district. You can never anticipate what it’s going to be, but be ready for the rollercoaster of it. As long as you know why you’re doing it, and stay focused on that piece of it it’s going to be really exciting. It’s 100% worth it.

What has changed you going through all of this that’s brought you to this point?

What has changed me or what has changed in me?

Yes…

What has changed me is that I am now in this place that I now get a lot of unsolicited advice and criticism. This has been a learning experience for me. I can generally handle constructive criticism pretty well, so overall it has been a positive impact. Being aware of all of the opinions that come at you from different sides and recognizing that in every nugget of suggestion or criticism there is room for you to improve or make things better. I think I’ve honed and shaped who I am as a candidate because of all of this feedback.

What has surprised you?

There are people who from the beginning of the campaign, conceivably a year-and-a-half before I would even be in Congress, have been telling me their concerns. They have been sharing with me their personal stories because there is a hope. A hope that if I make it through the primary, then if I became the nominee, then if I were to win, and then get sworn in in January, that at some time later I could be available later to address their concern. The fact that people would share really personal stories because I’m the closest thing to rectifying a situation in their life. This is really astounding. What this has taught me is that people really want and need people who listen to them and want to understand the challenges they face. There is a real disconnect between the people who live in this neighborhood or county from with those actually legislating. They have an impact on their lives without an inkling of the challenge the community members are facing on a daily basis. That’s been the most surprising. How many people are willing to share, because they hope it can inform something productive you can do a year-and-a-half later.

As a mom to three girls, what do you hope for the girls in our country?

I would like for young girls to be nurtured and encouraged by what they see and by the way people react to them that they can do anything. Regardless of what interests them, it shouldn’t be interesting that a mom is running for Congress. It’s not interesting when a dad runs for Congress. They have the same opportunity. An opportunity to take a path or not, whether it’s a really uncommon path or the common path. That’s what’s most important to me, that we can find ourselves in a place in the future where it’s not so noteworthy that there are so many women running for Congress. That this is just normal. And it still may be a crazy idea for some young women, but for others, it’s simply the path they want to pursue. Just like for some men. For some it’s crazy, and others it’s just the path they want to take. I think we have grown, but there is still a lot of space between where we are and where we could be. The way we’re going to get there is by people clearing that path so it’s less uncharted and less scary.

Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us Abigail.

If you’re interested in learning more about Abigail in her campaign, check out her website or connect with her on social media (Facebook, Instagram, twitter).

taking care

A Picture of Good Health

August 20, 2018October 12, 2022 @happedancing

So we reposted a powerful image a couple of weeks ago, and judging from the number of likes, it really resonated with a lot of folks. Today, I would like to start a conversation about body positivity. I’d like to share my thoughts and experiences on the topic, beginning with some simple food for thought: What does it mean to be healthy? Can you define it in words? Can you capture it in an image? What is a picture of good health?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m pretty vain…

I like to feel good about the way I look and work very hard so that I can feel good. I do spend a lot of time worrying about it though. I follow a number of so-called “healthy lifestylists” on Instagram, too. They are outwardly attractive, scantily clad, Mt. Olympus-looking people who’d like for us to believe that they LIVE to work out. They eat nothing but kale and maybe boiled chicken breast. They even take exquisitely choreographed candid photos. Are these people healthy? Who can say? I suppose they look like it.

I also follow a lot of amazing people society would call fat activists, whose accounts brandish hashtags like #breakthestereotype, #fitatanysize, and #everyBODYmatters. These people accept themselves- no, they love themselves despite criticism by the truckloads. They refuse to be defined by other people’s opinions and inspire me to be bolder in defining myself. These people live their truth and embrace their unique experiences without shame. Are these people healthy? Instinctively we are taught that bigger bodies are undesirable, but does that mean that they are unhealthy? I don’t know. How could I possibly know?

When I think about myself, I know exactly how hard I work to counteract all my terrible habits.

I eat a lot of sweets, but I work out a lot. Is that balance? On the one hand, my “numbers” are great – you know – blood pressure, cholesterol, waist circumference, blood glucose, etc. I’m not at risk for anything, so does that mean I’m healthy? You may think the answer is yes, yet every time I step on the scale, my doctor reminds me that I’m overweight and my BMI is high. I have a career, hobbies, and the ability to support myself. But still, I struggle. I struggle with anxiety and depression, substance abuse, body dysmorphia…the list goes on and on. Does that mean I should spend more time in therapy and or more time dieting and exercising? Which is more important? Physical or mental health? How your body looks or how it functions? Again, I don’t really know.

Unfortunately, pictures don’t always show you the whole story.

I drove by a place of business the other day and saw something shocking. I won’t name names, but it’s a kickboxing gym. There was a gigantic sign out front with the studio namesake and the words, “Fight the Fat”. I work in marketing and let me tell you that I love advertising, especially when it’s clever. This, however, was not clever. It was the opposite of body positivity. It was shame mongering and it turned me off.

To me, this Fight the Fat mantra is negative and exclusive. It is not welcoming to a person beginning their fitness journey. It says, “hey fattie, you don’t belong here, we are against you.” I’m quite sure that this business did not intend to lose customers with this slogan, but how could someone feel inspired by this message? It got me thinking about health and wellness. Not just my personal feelings about the topic, but the way health is viewed by society, and the way people are treated in the health and wellness space.

The motivation to improve oneself is not enough to sidestep judgement. It doesn’t matter that a large body goes for a run, or a chronically depressed person goes to therapy, or that an addict seeks counseling or support The mere need for these things illustrates imperfections. Aside from the rampant negativity in that logic, it’s just plain bad business.

Health and wellness is for everyone.

Deciding to change your lifestyle is hard enough. What is the value in further intimidating people by making them feel less than? Fitness is not just for those who have already demonstrated aptitude. It’s not graduate school. It’s living your best life, and we are all worthy of that.

Shame is a powerful tactic in selling health and wellness.

There are products, companies, and entire industries that prey upon our shame. Again, I don’t want to name names, but you can guess what I’m talking about. These entities remind us that our feelings of inadequacy are valid and suggest that solutions to our problems can be bought for a small monthly auto payment. This is simply not true. You cannot capture health in an image. A healthy life is the combined effort of how we take to care of ourselves—inside and out. It’s not just what we eat, or how we exercise. It’s how we talk to ourselves, it’s how we sleep, and the people we associate with. It is so much more than how our body looks.

The same goes for body positivity. You cannot see a person’s life story, their intentions, their dreams, their struggles from a single image. There is no picture of good health. Who are we to judge which bodies are worthy of appreciation? There is nobody and NO BODY that deserves to be shamed. Bodies belong to people and I think we can all agree to support our human race.

Next time you feel compelled to assess another person’s lifestyle, take a look at your own. If we’re honest, we can all find a little room for improvement. With that in mind, lend your encouragement and positivity to EVERY. SINGLE. BODY. We are all on a journey, the depths of which cannot be seen from the outside.

Namaste,

pause + rewind + try again

The Two voices

August 13, 2018October 12, 2022 Crystal Varner Parker

If you’re a kid of the looney tunes era, you’re keenly familiar with the imagery of the angel and devil sitting on your opposing shoulders. BUT in real life, it never turns out quite that way. In reality, there are two voices crying out for our attention. These two voices have their own opinions of what we say, do, wear, and even sound like. Frankly speaking, of the two voices, one is an asshole and one is your biggest cheerleader.

Which voice do you listen to throughout the day?

Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who can shut the asshole up, but most of us aren’t so lucky. We spend our days looking in the mirror repeating horrendous things to ourselves…

You look awful.
You’re too fat for that outfit.
Do you even know what you’re doing?
You should go to the gym.
You can’t do this/that/the other, so someone else should do it.
Do you even know how to put on makeup?
Maybe you should get a haircut…

If we begin our days listening to these awful things, it only gets better from there. You get to work and the nastiness continues to grow.

You second guess yourself on everything.
You feel like you’re suffering from imposter syndrome.
You dread meetings with your boss because you’ll be told all that you’ve done wrong.
You think you personally don’t make a difference.
You reduce your qualifications to imperfections.

This negative internal monologue feels awful. What if we decided to flip the script?

Perhaps we could press pause when the asshole began to speak? What if we decided to hit rewind and try again? What if we were our own biggest cheerleader?

I think our days would begin so great…

You look stunning!
You’ve been working hard on that hot bod!
You’re great at what you do
You are one great catch!
You’re the best person for this assignment
You are so talented

If we began our days saying such wonderful things, imagine how great the rest of our day would go? You could walk into that important meeting at work and rock that project proposal with confidence Perhaps you would ace that exam you’ve studied so hard for knowing you were prepared for success. Better yet, you would spend your day knowing that your company/school/team is lucky to have you.

So how do we get to the point of listening to the cheerleader inside of instead of the asshole?

We pause when we recognize that, at some point in our day or our lives, the negative voice began winning over the positive.
We rewind to before the when the negativity began to rear its ugly head.
We try again by reframing our negative thoughts. That doubting Thomas doesn’t have to be the voice that speaks the loudest and longest.

This battle between the two voices is something most of us have to work through…

and it’s a process even for me. As a little girl, I loved to write and draw and dreamed of publishing my own books. At some point, that dream became a far-off memory. I’m not sure what changed, but I think it had something to do with that inner asshat. Somehow, it convinced me I wasn’t that great at drawing, and that my writing was mediocre at best. Where was my inner cheerleader? Why did I ignore her? I’m honestly not sure, but I do know that like the positive person inside so much more. She helps me believe I’m capable of great things and pushes me to keep growing.

Have you silenced the cheerleader in you?

Maybe you have and you didn’t realize it. And guess what? You are not alone in this struggle to be kind to yourself. The best way we can all do better is by listening to this kind encouraging voice on the inside. As we work through reframing our negative self-talk, we may need a little help. When we’re having a hard time listening to your own cheerleader, ask someone in your life to help get you back on the right track. Here are on The91Rewind we are passionate about doing this too. If you don’t follow us on Instagram, we’d recommend it because we throw some positive reminders at you all week long. Some days Erica and I both need the reminders too, because we’re still a work in progress.

Ready to silence the asshole and get your cheerleader louder?

xoxo,