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I am sorry for my silence

Crystal Varner Parker

For years I was silent. Maybe it was out of fear. What would be the consequence if I spoke up? Would I lose my job? What would my friends or family say? But now, all I can say is I am sorry for my silence. 

You need allies. 

Whether you are facing racial, religious, gender, sexual orientation, you name it discrimination, you need allies around you. It’s difficult to know who the allies are among you if we remain silent. You need us to let you know that we acknowledge you for who you are, view you as a whole human being, and love you despite what others are saying. You need us to tell others that we stand in solidarity with you, even if we may not face the same forms of discrimination as you, but we are on your side. I am sorry for my silence when you need me to be your ally. 

You need advocates 

When you were (or still) struggling and unable to speak for yourself, you need those of us with the ability to speak up to do so. You need some of us to be more than allies among you, because you need us to advocate for you. We need to speak up in the places and spaces to say that you matter, you deserve the same rights and protections as everyone else, and that the discrimination you’ve faced, are facing, and continuing to face is wrong. You cannot be the only voice speaking up against the injustices that you’re facing. Sitting quietly by your side while you silently struggled is not enough. There is a reason for your silence, and I’m guessing it’s much larger than my fear of consequences. I am sorry for my silence when you need me to be your advocate.

I will not be silent any more.

At the risk of angering some, alienating others, and standing up for what’s right, I will not be silent in the face or your struggles anymore. I cannot promise that I will be a perfect ally or advocate, but I’m going to do the best that I can. If i’m not doing it quite right, I do ask that you (gently) let me know. The list of struggles by those around me can feel endless, but here are the issues currently weighing on my heart…

Sexual violence
Gender identity/sexual orientation discrimination 
Racial discrimination
Asylum seekers treated inhumanely at the United States port of entry
Gender discrimination
Religious discrimination, particularly against Muslims
(please note this list is ever growing and not all-inclusive)

I cannot promise that I will be a perfect ally or advocate, but I’m going to try and do the best that I can. I hope that together, we can all work to make this place a better world for us all. One step at a time. 

xoxo,

C

NOTE: The timing of this post is fortuitous, and I cannot take full credit for this coming when it did.
Changes are happening after the outcry over the treatment of asylum seekers at the USA/Mexico border
This week concludes the celebration of Pride month.
This Saturday marks the ordination of someone in the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) ,that I admire and respect, as a Minister of Word and Sacrament. Their ordination is historic, as they are the first openly non-binary individual to be ordained in the PC(USA). I am better for knowing them, learning from them, and to know they are serving the church. 

taking care

Welcome to the Treehouse

@happedancing

We have big BIG news!

We have always thought of The91Rewind as a virtual treehouse. We have worked to build a warm and inclusive community devoted to encouragement and friendship. We love creating and sharing all this #goodstuff with you guys over the last couple of years. Now, we want a chance to connect with you offline. we have created a new page, The Treehouse, to share exciting events taking place in Richmond and Raleigh with you!

You’ll see a hodgepodge of happenings listed in The Treehouse. Some will be hosted by us, others will be events we are attending, but they are all 100% awesome opportunities for you to get out and about while engaging with friends. That’s right! You will have a chance to get to know your favorite BFF bloggers and be introduced to some really fine local businesses as well. our goal with these events is to offer a chance to pause our hectic schedules and do something nice for ourselves, just because.

With that in mind, we have two events this summer devoted to #selfcare and finding ways to easily integrate it into our day-to-day. Self-care is a hot topic these days. It may seem like yet another thing we have to manage in our busy lives, but it is definitely something we can benefit from.

So, what is it?

Self-care can be defined as any activity or ritual we do for ourselves to generate joy, peace, or other good feelings. There isn’t much to the concept; the fun is in the application. There are so many ways to practice self-care. For some people, it looks like a daily meditation, weekly yoga, or spin class; for others, it might involve taking “the long way” home because the drive is scenic. For some, this may look like a time of pampering with a massage or a day at the spa. This  could even be a week-long silent retreat at a tropical resort, or it may be just making coffee before work. Self/care doesn’t have to be fancy, in fact, the more simple your ritual the more likely you are to stick with it.

Why is it important?

Well, because it helps us to be better! Better for ourselves and better for all the people and things that depend on us. We all work hard, adorably badass-ing it up, and we deserve a little love. This may not make sense. It may even seem selfish, but it is a fact. Treating ourselves well sets the tone for how we interact with the rest of the world. When we take the time to be kind to ourselves, to seek out peaceful and joyful moments, we are nicer people. We work better with others, we are more kind and empathetic.

Get out there and PLAY!

My personal brand of self-care looks like playtime. As a marketing professional, life feels at times like one critical decision after another with high stakes and even higher stress. In order to avoid lashing out like a dragon lady at the people I love, I have to care for myself. I do this through movement; crank the jams, connect with my breath, and let that shit go. I get lost in the music and the flow and before I know it, I am relaxed and ready to put my thinking cap back on.

Just give it a try!

You don’t have to take my word for it. Trust that you are deserving of your OWN kindness and love. Productivity and engagement are best when sprinkled with play time! If you’re looking for places to play this summer, look no further than The Treehouse! Here are some upcoming opportunities for you to join the movement party:

  • #SundayFunday hip-hop flow @ Yogi Oasis! rotating Sundays, starting June 23.

  • Self-care Saturdays at NCDI! We’re teaming up with local businesses to introduce you to amazing products and services you can integrate into your self-care routine! Class details can be found here.

  • Sunday Yoga @ Lululemon North Hills –  always fun, always free! Sunday, June 30 at 11:00 am.


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enough with the thoughts and prayers

Crystal Varner Parker

In Virginia Beach, Virginia there was yet another mass shooting.

Another day, week, month, year where even more people are dying from gun violence.

I’ve had enough with the thoughts and prayers, it’s time for action.

Step One

The first thing I’m doing is taking the time to remember the names of each of the victims.


Virginia Beach, VA victims: Laquita C. Brown, Tara Welch Gallagher, Mary Louise Gayle, Alexander Mikhail Gusev, Katherine A. Nixon, Richard H. Nettleton, Christopher Kelly Rapp, Ryan Keith Cox, Joshua A. Hardy, Michelle "Missy" Langer, Robert "Bobby…Virginia Beach, VA victims: Laquita C. Brown, Tara Welch Gallagher, Mary Louise Gayle, Alexander Mikhail Gusev, Katherine A. Nixon, Richard H. Nettleton, Christopher Kelly Rapp, Ryan Keith Cox, Joshua A. Hardy, Michelle "Missy" Langer, Robert "Bobby…

Virginia Beach, VA victims: Laquita C. Brown, Tara Welch Gallagher, Mary Louise Gayle, Alexander Mikhail Gusev, Katherine A. Nixon, Richard H. Nettleton, Christopher Kelly Rapp, Ryan Keith Cox, Joshua A. Hardy, Michelle “Missy” Langer, Robert “Bobby” Williams, Herbert “Bert” Snelling

Step Two

The next thing I’ve done and will continue to do, is refuse to know the name of the shooter. Each time I read or see a news report that includes their name, I close it or turn it off. I refuse to have this murder’s name sealed in my brain. I will not let them have a moment of fame, if I have any say in the matter.

Step Three

I will also ensure that my elected officials are doing something to prevent this from happening again. I was a high school student when Columbine happened, and by the time I was eighteen, I didn’t think this needed to be top of my voting priorities. Then the Virginia Tech shooting happened when I was in graduate school. By then, I had voted in multiple elections and began to realize something may need to change in my voting priorities. In the 12 years that followed, countless mass shootings have occurred and one of these is in my home state, AGAIN.

My congresswoman is doing what she can to work towards better gun regulation.

While I fully recognize and uphold our constitutional right to bear arms, I do not consent to the murder of innocent children and adults. I don’t have all of the answers (yet) on how we proceed, but I will not stop until the situation is better. I know that mental health is a big piece of the overall picture, but guns are still the weapon of choice in these atrocities. I want to learn from each side of this “debate” that shouldn’t be a debate at all. If we as Americans believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, we cannot allow our fellow Americans to lose their opportunity for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We need more than thoughts and prayers to make this happen. We need conversations (NOW) and we need actionable change.

The status quo cannot remain or more lives will be lost.

Just last week, a mass shooting was prevented at Cleveland High School, close to where Erica grew up. As his fellow students practiced for graduation, a Cleveland high school senior managed to get a loaded 9mm, multiple loaded magazines, and other weapons onto school grounds. Authorities were tipped off by a student and made the arrest before any violence happened, fortunately.  While I am eternally grateful that the police were proactive, I have to question how a young adult of highschool age was able to obtain all these supplies? It is terrifying to think that a person who can’t even vote can procure an armory of weapons to carry out a plan of mass-execution. It is not important at this point whether guns are a problem. (They are.) What is more important is understanding what compels one human to want to inflict harm upon others. Where is our compassion?

What if…

Instead of immediately jumping to defend our right to bear arms, what if we investigate how this privilege keeps falling into the wrong hands? If we are truly pro-life, then we need to start focusing on helping each of us live. Now. We need to protect and value each other. We owe it to ourselves to try and understand each other better, to be kind, to be compassionate.

To end today’s conversation, I share with you, these words from my congresswoman, Abigail Spanberger:

In the wake of these tragedies, we always offer thoughts and prayers, but people in office – at the state and federal level – can make changes. We can fight this violence, and we must do it to honor the lives of the Americans who are murdered each year.

In the House of Representatives, we passed bipartisan legislation to require background checks on all firearm purchases. We passed bipartisan legislation to close the “Charleston loophole” so that law enforcement has the necessary time to return a background check and ensure that those who are prohibited buyers can’t buy a gun because of timing.

These meaningful efforts would save lives. Both of these bills are being held up for a vote in the Senate. Meaning-> Senate Majority Leader McConnell is simply refusing to bring these bills up for a vote. Our good legislation cannot become law unless he allows a vote.

There are additional bills in the House aimed at addressing risk factors, training in de-escalation, and ensuring individuals in crisis who are a threat to themselves or others can be helped and not able to take their own lives or the lives of others. They are good bills, and we will keep working them.

At the state level, I urge my elected colleagues to continue fighting for basic legislation that would help make our communities safer.

And if your elected representative isn’t fighting for our communities or helping to get good bills out of the committees for a full House of Delegates or State Senate vote, get behind a candidate who will and vote on November 5, 2019.

So what are we going to do?

C


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How did you get here

How Did You Get Here: Sarah Goodwin

@happedancing

There is simply no substitute for discipline and good, old-fashioned hard work. I have had the pleasure of watching our next guest author transform over the past 18 months, and wow. It is truly amazing to see someone exemplify what it means to DO THE WORK.  I’ve done a lot of things in life, but I haven’t done anything like what Sarah shares with us today. Without any further ado, I introduce you to my dear friend Sarah Goodwin in a very VERY special “How Did You Get Here” Interview…

Brief Bio – Tell us a bit about yourself?

My name is Sarah Goodwin and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been obese. I remember noticing size difference between me and classmates in Kindergarten, and later asking my thin friends about what they ate, how they restricted their diets, controlled their cravings, how they exercised, etc. when I was in 4th grade.  To say I’ve been acutely aware that I was bigger is an understatement. I felt the bullying, name-calling, shunning,…that’s to be expected from children. I’ve seen evidence that coworkers/former friends/acquaintances have discussed my appearance in a negative way. It never feels good to read those words, especially when it’s someone I felt close to, but it’s illuminating about that person’s true self. There’s a negative stigma around size, and people associate your worth, or lack thereof, based on your appearance. People see an obese person and assume lazy, unhealthy, doesn’t care. What they don’t bother seeing is the person behind that: their likes, dislikes, personality, health issues hindering any effort to get healthier.

How did you get started/here?

We had family photos taken in Fall 2017 when my son was around a year old. I wanted our little family to have some really great photos of all of us while he was still little and learning to walk. When we got the files from our photographer, I was in complete shock. Don’t get me wrong, I adore the big smiles and the excellent quality of the photos. But I was at my highest known weight…is that how I look to everyone else? It certainly wasn’t the person I saw in the mirror every day. It’s a sickening feeling; I’d been morbidly obese for years, but I never saw myself as such. Which is odd. I am generally confident about certain things, but in that moment I had very low confidence and body image. It shook me enough that I decided I didn’t want to look that way and was ready to make changes.


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Tell us about it. Why?

Between those photos and how I appeared in my son’s 1st birthday photos a couple weeks later, I’d had enough. I’d had that feeling before, of being ready to change, to diet or exercise. And most of the time it was short lived. Good faith efforts with no real results. Most of the photos I took with me and my son ended up getting deleted because I hated how I looked. Which is terrible in retrospect, because he’ll never be that small again.

On 12/27/17, my husband introduced me to a Facebook group called Ketogenic Dieters (KD). Years ago, we tried a LCHF (low carb, high fat) version of the diet for a very short period, but this group’s method was different. The KD group follows a nutritional ketogenic diet: LC, but not HF. They’ve developed a really great document that sums up the diet and science behind it, complete with pages of links to reputable studies for specific topics. (We primarily follow the work of Phinney & Volek). This document is a 45 page e-book, and I credit that file with providing the foundation for everything I’ve done in the past year. Later, I joined the Ketogains group, which follows pretty much the same philosophy. Both groups have excellent resources that I’ve been studying.

Most people think of eating large volume of fat when they think “ketogenic.” Which makes sense; the medical ketogenic diet was designed to treat pediatric epileptic patients, and has been extended to treat some people with autism, cancer, etc who benefit from higher amounts of fat intake. The ketogenic diet based on eating certain ratios of macronutrients, so a percentage of your daily calories should come from  protein, fat, and carbs. You may be surprised to learn that it wasn’t designed for weight loss, even though that can be a result.

All you need for ketosis is carb restriction. Put simply, ketosis is a metabolic process where the body burns fat instead of glucose. Period.  There are a couple of things to remember…first, you can hit the ketogenic ratio, but be eating far too many calories in which case you would not realize the benefits. The other thing is nutrients: if your goal is fat loss, why prioritize eating fat? Wouldn’t it make more sense to burn what the body already has stored? The nutrition for my plan involves adequate protein to protect muscle mass to make sure you’re losing fat, not muscle, and mostly fibrous, leafy green veggies and avocado which are low in sugar and high in fiber. When you think about it, it’s what we’d all consider to be healthy: meat + veg. Lots of micronutrients found in those sources.

I started following the macros (grams, not percentages) from Ketogenic Dieters (KD) on 1/1/18 and have lost a little more than half my weight. I’ve had 4 DEXA scans since then, which have shown the weight lost to have been from fat, not muscle, which means I’m eating sufficient protein to protect muscle mass. I decided at some point during 2018 that I wanted to attempt the Tobacco Road Half Marathon in 2019. I’d done the race in 2016 with a time of 3h:58m. My goal for 2019 was to be under 3hrs, which is a huge change, but doable. I started training in the fall and it’s paying off. Every time I complete a long run (6mi, 8mi, 9.5mi, etc), I’m floored that…

1. I was able to complete it.
2. I didn’t die.
3. Finishing that distance made me feel stronger and energized to do even more.

I finished Tobacco Road Half Marathon with a time of 2h:47m, well below my goal. A month prior, I also signed up for the Cary Greenways Half Marathon that would take place 2 weeks after Tobacco Road. I figured I was already in shape to run, so why not. Cary Greenways was much hillier, but I beat my own personal record and finished at 2h:43!! I’m thrilled that this body is capable of so much and is rising to the challenges I’m throwing at it.

Most interesting part?

I’ve gained some confidence, and don’t have the burden of strangers’ glares when I’m out in public any more, but I’ve noticed insecurities that I didn’t have before. By getting rid of the major issues, I’ve uncovered some that were too minor to have taken much mental space before. So I’m working on those. ☺ It’s a great reminder that the grass isn’t always greener and that everyone is working through something. If we approached others with the understanding that, in spite of appearances, they’re also working through a personal struggle, I think the world would be a bit more harmonious.

Most rewarding part?

Obviously, the vanity of losing half my weight in just over a year and being in a smaller body is hugely rewarding. I’m down more than ten pants sizes and have gained confidence in many areas, not just physical appearance. I’ve never bought as many clothes as I have in the past year, but it’s been fun to be able to shop in the “regular” size section. I’m smaller now than I was in grade school both in weight and clothing size. I look and feel different. I catch myself looking in the mirror from time to time trying to accept my new features, that this is real, this is how I look.

But from a health perspective, my body fat percentage has reduced significantly, and is now considered in the “fitness” range. I’m running long distances and challenging this body, my body, to do things it’s never been asked to do before.

There are dozens of non-scale victories (NSV) that I celebrate, because the scale is an asshole and doesn’t tell the whole story! From being able to wear a seatbelt more comfortably, cross my legs, sit in a chair without my hips squeezed in the sides, smaller clothing sizes, share the rocking chair side-by-side with my son, less knee pain when walking, get out of the recliner without pain/effort, walk up stairs easily, squat to look my toddler in the eyes (HUGE NSV).


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What motivates?

At first, it was the movement on the scale. I don’t think I stalled until 5-6 months in, which is incredible. But it’s also now a personal challenge to finish what I’ve started and continue to challenge this body to meet new goals. I’ve not come this far to only come this far. I’ve kept track of my journey and metrics in a datebook. I made a list of NSVs that I hoped to achieve and have almost completed all on that list! The rest will come as I continue my journey.

I should mention that I don’t have an ultimate scale goal. I’ve had milestone weight goals along the way, and goals have been updated as I’ve hit each one. First to see if I could reach my pre-pregnancy weight, then to see if I could get under 200 lbs, then to lose certain percentage of my starting weight. I’m past the 50% lost mark, and have attained a “healthy” body fat%.  I don’t have a firm BF% or weight in mind, but I want to gain muscle mass and definition, which is totally subjective and I won’t know when I’m ready to start maintaining until I get there. This is uncharted territory for me, so I’m going to feel it out and decide what feels and looks the best to me.

Most challenging part?

In all of this, it’s been more apparent that I’d been living with an eating disorder, specifically binge eating. But it went undiagnosed. Doctors always told me to eat less and exercise, but never bothered to find out if there were any medical issues (goes back to the stigma of being fat: doctors frequently discriminate against us). Because I committed to following my macros without cheating, I’d set strict boundaries for myself. To help firm that up was the knowledge that after being in ketosis for several weeks and becoming fat adapted, the choice to jump off the wagon and eat a super carby meal would:

1. Give me considerable GI distress
2. Kick me out of ketosis and derail progress,
3. Be incredibly difficult to get back on track motivation-wise.

It doesn’t work for everyone, but I upped the ante to try and keep myself from binge eating and going off track and it’s been successful. I haven’t binged since starting, in spite of temptation.

Every time I’d cheated in the past, I’d never been able to limit the cheat to just one bite, one meal, one day. It always lent to excuses, and inevitable failure. If I didn’t commit to change, then I wouldn’t change. It was ultimately only hurting me, but would now also negatively impact my son, his eating habits, how he interacted with his mother. A lot more was on the line.

As I’m getting closer to whatever my goal will be, I’m feeling the pressure of “what if.” What happens when I start maintenance? It’s a definite fear that I’ll wind up undoing all of this hard work.

What have you learned? Advice to give?

This year and this process has been full of introspection. I’m grateful that 1/1/18  I had the courage to start on this journey. Grateful that I put in the effort to jump in, learn, and commit 100% to changing the way I eat. Because of that effort of my past self, and her hard work and determination, my current self is reaping the reward.

I’m so incredibly grateful for the KD and Ketogains communities for providing evidence-based info from reputable sources. It’s no pseudo-science from some chiropractor or “You-Tube” star – there’s peer-reviewed studies backing up the methods. That’s important to me.

There are several people that I’ve gotten to know in these groups and have learned from them. I keep screenshots of many of the inspirations shared within the group to reference when I need support:

-It’s a slow process, but quitting won’t speed it up

-When you feel like quitting, think about WHY you started

-Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow

-Do something today that your future self will thank you for

-Failure to Plan is Planning to Fail

My advice is to just start. No one is perfect from day one. Strive for progress, not perfection. When you make a mistake, spend some time deconstructing it, make a plan to address the trigger the next time it pops up, and move on. You can’t fix the past, but you can make better decisions going forward.

We are so grateful to have a compassionate and hardworking friend to bravely share her transformation. She reminds us that no one is perfect, but we are all trying. And if we lead with that, we can’t go wrong. If you want to learn more about Sarah’s journey, head over to @operaticsarah on Instagram!


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taking care

Do you need room?

@happedancing

No matter how many times I visit New World Cafe and order my coffee black, whoever is working behind the counter will always ask the same thing…”Do you need room?”

In case you’re not a big coffee or tea drinker, they are talking about leaving room for cream…
Normally, I politely say, ‘No thanks’ and move on about my day, but this past weekend I began to reflect on the idea of leaving room. I am not talking about in my coffee cup (I need as much caffeinated bean water as I can get!), but as it relates to holding space.

You see, I have a hard time holding space in my life.

Just like with my coffee cup, I’m quick to utilize any open space that is available to me. Whether it’s on my calendar, in my house, or in my life I am constantly filling ‘space’ with activities, with people, with obligations, with THINGS. It’s as if I’m enchanted with the idea of fulfillment; like busyness and consumerism somehow indicate my worth. I know that more doesn’t always mean better, yet I have a hard time with unused capacity. It’s like my parents and their parents and their parents’ parents have all said, “Waste not, want not.”

Unused capacity, in the business world at least, is synonymous with waste. If you’re paying rent, but not making money, you’re losing profit…which is bad, right? Of course it is…nobody wants to lose money! But we aren’t talking about money. We are talking about life.

Life is about experiences and opportunities…

it’s a spectrum of actions and reactions that ripple out into the universe. Things happen, and for better or worse, they cause other things to happen. I like to think that it’s all connected in some way, but regardless it is easy to accept that life is a series of situations that happen to and because of the decisions we make.

Sometimes good things happen, and sometimes bad things happen, but we can be sure, no matter what, that things will happen in life. And when they happen, we can choose how we react to them. This is important! I have no idea who should be credited the following quote (so if you do, speak up) but it is so relevant right now:


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Have you ever heard someone say they were in the ‘right place at the right time’?

This concept is born from holding space. We can only be in one place at one time. If we choose to pursue one opportunity, it is often at the cost of another. Being in the right place at the right time is when a person is able to create space to embrace an opportunity exactly when they need to. We are not mind-readers which is why serendipity is so significant.

I was recently faced with a difficult decision, one that fed right into my “fill-er-up” tendencies…

I found myself in a complex situation where I realized an opportunity, one I was very passionate about pursuing, was coming to an end. If I am being totally honest, I was not ready for it to end. I was emotional and conflicted. I could stay with it try to hold the pieces together, or I could let it go. My MO is always to stay, to keep the space full and continue working it until my only option is to admit defeat. Just as no one likes to lose money, nobody likes to throw in the towel either.

After fretting about what I would lose and how people would appraise my decision and what I did to set things on a downward trajectory, I had to get a grip on my emotions and remember the truth. Not every relationship and/or situation is meant to be. If I continue holding on to a floundering one, would I possibly miss out on something more fruitful?

I decided to let go of what wasn’t serving me and hold space for something new.

I feel a little brave as I jump into the unknown. I can be grateful for an opportunity that didn’t work out. The fact that it did not work out is just life, it doesn’t mean I am a failure. I still learned something. I still experienced things that I will take with me into the next venture.

The idea of having nothing to fill the empty space is unsettling, but I realize I can see it a different way. Empty space can be very exciting…like a brand new apartment, or an unexpected day off, or interviewing for a brand new job. Not knowing encourages optimism, idealization, and inspiration. We can try new things, reinvent ourselves, learn from our mistakes and begin anew.

Every now and then, we need a clean slate.

We need to take out the garbage, clean the house and prepare for something new. We may not know what that new something will be, but we can leave some room and hope for the best.

Namaste,

E

pause + rewind + try again

The Bucket of F*ckits

Crystal Varner Parker

Do you worry about others being mad at you about something you might have done or said? Do you get worked up in your head about things you cannot change? Do you stress about the problem at work that you didn’t cause? If you know me in real life and have conversation with me and answered yes to those questions, then the following words are going to be familiar. If you do not know me IRL, it’s okay. Today I would like to share with you a life philosophy that may help free your mind and open you up to what’s most important.

May I now introduce you to: The Bucket of F*ckits.

Oh My Gosh! You Just Cussed!

I know it, and it felt great. If we’re completely honest with ourselves, some words are the only ones to fully articulate what it is that we’re feeling and thinking. Sure, I could refer to this life philosophy in a non-expletive-using way, but it wouldn’t fully articulate what I need to communicate to you. Heck, there are even studies out there that talk about how cursing is good for us, can help us better articulate our emotions or pain, and it’s a sign of greater intelligence.

So, I’m not going to let judgement over my use of the word f*ck get me down. Instead, I want you to understand the freedom and value of the Bucket of F*ckits.

Have You Ever…?

Have you ever been so frustrated that you wanted to storm out and just yell “f*ck it”?
Yeah? !
Me too.

Have you ever been up to your eyeballs in things to do and needed to prioritize that list?
Yeah? !?!
Me too!!

Have you ever felt like other people’s problem were becoming you own, and you wanted to give it back to them?
Yeah? !?!?!
ME TOO!!!

These three examples are a small sample size of why we NEED a Bucket of F*ckits.


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What Goes in a Bucket of F*ckits?

For starters, the Bucket of F*ckits should be filled with the things that matter most to you. We may have lots of things that we care about, but that  is certainly not every little thing in our life. I will go out on a limb and declare that not everything deserves or should have our complete emotional investment. This does not make you a bad person either. If we are constantly giving from our emotional tank, we will certainly become depleted with nothing left to give.

Secondly, our bucket can only contain things that we are able to control. Some of us (*raises hand*) may like to think that we can be the master of it all, but we are NOT in control of everything. Learning to let go and accept that we aren’t in control is part of the bucket-embracing process, and there is a freedom in it. The contents of our buckets may differ from one day to the next based on what’s going on in our life, and that’s okay. It’s also worth noting, that some days it may feel like there is a slow leak in our bucket, and we must do that the best that we can.

The third thing that belongs in our bucket are things that help us accomplish our goals. We all have different needs, plans, and goals in life. These goals are an ever evolving list that changes based on our successes, resources, and abilities. We can’t focus on everything in life, but we should zero in on that which matters, and our goals have value and importance too. Our goals whether big or small deserve to be in our bucket.


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What Does Not Go in a Bucket of F*ckits?

First and foremost, it is the things we cannot control. As much as we want to be the masters of our lives, we cannot control everything. No matter how hard we try, we are not in control of everything. We cannot make our coworkers or classmates complete their part of a project. We can only control how we react to these situations. We can decide to pick up the pieces that others have left, or say, I’ve done what I can and now it’s your turn.

Next, we must learn to accept that we cannot make others care more about the things that matter to us. Just because something is important to us, doesn’t mean it will be of value and importance to others. This doesn’t diminish the value of these things, nor does it make these people @sshats for not caring. They have different things in their Buckets of F*ckits and that’s okay. Hopefully we can learn to have mutual appreciation, but we have to decide how we will react. We have to learn to let go of their judgement, and then treasure what matters to us because it’s of value to us.

Finally, we have to let go of the judgement of others. Their opinion does not have value unless we allow it to have value. We get to choose whose judgement we internalize, how we react, and if we give it any weight. We also get to choose whether we allow the judgement of others into our buckets. Frankly, you’d better be really important (Erica, husband, children, close family or friends) or myself before your opinions get a spot in my bucket..

Let’s Recap

What belongs in your bucket:

  • The things that matter most to you.

  • The things within your control.

  • The things that will help you accomplish your goals.

What doesn’t belong in your bucket:

  • The things that are not in your control.

  • How others feel about the things that matter most to you.

  • The judgement of others.

Living the Bucket of F*ckits Life

To fully live into the Bucket of F*ckits philosophy we have to ask ourselves, “does this belong in my Bucket of F*ckits?” There should be no equivocation when asking ourselves this question. Our bucket belongs to us and us alone. We should treasure it, care for it, and only place in it what we want. Erica and I have used the following formula as a guide:

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If it’s not a f*ck yeah, then it’s a hell no.If it’s not a f*ck yeah, then it’s a hell no.

If it’s not a f*ck yeah, then it’s a hell no.

I hope you choose wisely what goes into your Bucket of F*ckits, because it can get full quickly. When you’re bucket starts running over, it could very well mean you’ve allowed others to fill it up. (ProTip: it’s not their bucket to fill!)

Take care of your bucket, and feel free to throw sh*t out if it doesn’t belong.

xoxo,

C

Living Well, taking care

5 things you will learn at “The Flowdown”…

@happedancing

Some of us love to make plans. We get all excited to put things on the calendar and know exactly what we have on our plates. Others dread this, and feel stress when it comes to commitment and obligation…

Whichever type of person you are, there are a few reasons why you should DEFINITELY sign up for my yoga class next weekend! It’s called “The Flowdown” and it’s happening Saturday, April 27th in Raleigh. Here are five things you will learn if you attend:

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  1. How to breathe from your belly and reduce stress.

  2. How to ACTUALLY engage your core.

  3. How to integrate pelvic and spinal alignment into yoga movement (and everyday life).

  4. How simple modifications can help integrate alignment and core activation in movement.

  5. What “take your flow” really means.

Have you ever taken a flow or vinyasa yoga class and felt a little lost? If you’ve wondered if you were really “doing it”, what the controlled breathing is all about, or if there was another way to move through the poses, this is your class. If you have thought about creating a home practice or simply wanted to spend a little more time in one pose before you move on to the next, this is YOUR opportunity.

The Flowdown is a 75 minute hybrid workshop and class. We slow down the flow so that we can take the time we need to find each shape in our body. We will introduce a few breathing exercises to help us link our movement to our breath, and finally, we will play with alternative shapes and modifications to find our unique flow.

At its simplest, yoga is a practice of learning to breathe through challenges. My goal is to show you that this practice is for everyone, at any level. With a little mindfulness, we have the power to overcome challenges and make it work for us!

If you want to sign up, just send an email to happedancingyogi [at] gmail [dot] com! It’s that simple….If you need more information, check out my instagram post from a few weeks back or email for more details.

In love and light,

E

PS: Another exciting bonus is that our dear co-founder Crystal will be in Raleigh to join me for this fun event! In case you missed it, The 91Rewind blog is a joint effort from my bestie and I. We are so excited to meet you at the event!

namaste y’all!

namaste y’all!

i have a confession

I have a confession…

The91Rewind

Spring is here and there are signs of new life everywhere we turn. The trees are more green as their leaves return, flowers are in bloom, and fun outdoor events fill our calendars. In this season of newness, we would like to share something fresh with you: it’s a brand new series called, “I have a confession.”

What are we confessing?

Sometimes we feel pressure to conform or align with what is popular or hide it when we don’t. Occasionally, we attempt to hold on to something we would rather get off our chest. Whether you’re going against the grain, or you just need to sound off about something, it can feel good to get rid of that nagging guilt, shame, or confusion…We are here to invite you to reveal your truths. Silly, serious, large or small, we want to hear them all!

We’ll go first.

I, Erica, have a confession…

At the risk of making myself into a pariah, I have to admit that do not like Chicago-style pizza. Don’t get me wrong, deep-dish, cheesy, carby, goodness is usually up my alley. I tried it, I wanted to love it, but it just fell flat. I don’t blame Chicagoans or their pizza, though. In my heart i realize that this savory dish needs the spice of Italian meats! Try as they might, vegetarian varieties just aren’t as flavorful. There. I said it. And phew, don’t I feel better!

I, Crystal, have a confession…

I am a Christian, and I cuss a little. Well, maybe a lot. Many like to think that those who believe in God are better than that and don’t cuss, but I for one am not that person. I also have more Christian friends than I can count on two hands that cuss too. I won’t out them, because that’s their confession to make. BUT let’s just say, being a Christian doesn’t preclude you from dropping the “f” bomb, yelling “oh shit” when something goes wrong, or a declarative “dammit” of exasperation.

I’ll never forget meeting a friend of my husband’s when we were first dating. This friend had already learned that I was in seminary (or as my husband jokingly called “Jesus School”), and wasn’t phased by it since he had grown up Baptist. We had a great afternoon/evening hanging out as a group, but then we had a moment. At some point in the evening, the friend dropped something and things went a little like this…

Friend: OH SHIT! Oh, no. I’m so sorry.
Me: What are you sorry for?
Friend: I cussed, and you’re in school to be a pastor.
Me: You do know who I’m dating right?
Friend: Of course, I do.
Me: He cusses like a sailor.
Friend: Yeah, but you’re going to be a PASTOR.
Me: Seriously, it’s cool. Shit. Damn. Fuck. Do you feel better now?
Friend: *sighs* YES!

I have plenty of people who are afraid to cuss around me because I believe in Jesus, but I’m pretty sure he cussed too. The Bible had its own editors who told us what they wanted in their stories, but I’m pretty sure Jesus cussed when he overturned the tables in the temple or got frustrated with the dopey disciples in the Gospel of Mark.

Have something you want to share?

If so, drop us a line here. These confessions can help us let go and move forward, leaving the shame and the guilt behind. You took an extra complimentary cookie at Harris Teeter? Tell us about it. You secretly wish your mother-in-law would wax her upper lip? Let us know! You have a smelly cubicle mate? It’s safe to speak freely here.

If you’re willing to share your confessions on the blog, let us know in your submission. Each of us is different in how we want share things, some are more open and others maybe not. You are more than welcome to confess publicly; our blog is a safe space for you to be your authentically amazing and imperfect self. If you would prefer to share anonymously, and we fully respect that. Either is okay with us! Your confession, your choice.

We do have one disclaimer to add. While we fully support the airing of grievances, we have ethical responsibilities to our readership and fellow humans. If your confession involves criminal activity, don’t tell us. Tell the authorities! If you have caused irreparable pain to someone else, this may not be the venue for your confession.

These confessions can be an opportunity to apologize or voice regret for regrettable choices and actions, just not criminal ones.

Thank you for hearing our confession and we cannot wait to hear yours.

C+E

just for fun

The Case for Snail Mail

Crystal Varner Parker

We live in a world where so much is fast, quick, and digital. We feel disconnected, rushed, and at times out of sorts from the frenetic pace. We wish there was something that could slow down the speed at which we go through life. In this go-go-go life, there is one thing that is still pretty slow…the mail! Typically, we don’t get excited about the mail. We walk to our mailbox with dread, knowing that it will be filled with junk and bills. However, every now and then we receive a card, note, or package addressed to us puts a little skip in our step. Today, we would like to make the case for snail mail.


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Why go old fashioned when we’ve made so much progress?

As society moves forward, we advance the way we do things in many ways. Sending an email can be an efficient way of sending a time-sensitive message. It allows us to communicate the things that need to be said with expediency, but it lacks a personal touch.  When we send someone a hand-written note, letter, or even a card, we are able to communicate in ways that we simply cannot do on a computer screen. We let someone know we spent time thinking about them. It’s very special! Sure, email is great for the quick message that’s longer than a text message, but it cannot replace an old fashioned letter.

Why go paper when you could go digital?

The challenge many of us run into is determining what to do when sending out something to many people. What about the birthday parties, graduation parties, bridal showers, and baby showers? Wouldn’t it be easier to just use an electronic invite program? Sure, they have cute designs, but is it ever exactly what you want? Chances are you find something that “works” but maybe doesn’t quite capture your event. We can admit how much we love to receive a beautiful invitation in the mail. Even more when someone takes the time, with their own hands, to fill it out just for us. The level of thought and care it takes someone to select, design, and send does not go unnoticed, but that extra step of finishing it by hand makes a huge difference.Maybe next time you plan an event, you will take the extra step, too?


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Are you looking for quality paper goods?

Look no further than Basic Invite. They have an almost unlimited color palette and 40 colors to choose from for envelopes. Plus, you get a free sample of your design! Creating an invitation or piece of stationery on their website was like a dream. As if that wasn’t enough, they even have an address capturing service to help you let your friends and family know you need to update your address book. Simply share the link on social media, and they compile the data for you. THEN, they’ll address the envelopes at no additional cost to you. Finding a service that provides what you need, does it well, and at a great price is a rare gift.

Why choose Basic Invite?

I am the admitted queen of snail mail of this The91Rewind duo. I will send a card to say “thank you”, “I’m thinking of you,” “I miss you,” “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day/week/month/year,” or to invite you to a fun shindig at my crib house. Even though I am the queen of snail mail, I still struggles with finding the perfect stationery. Last spring, I spent hours choosing and then designing the perfect invitation for my friend Stephanie’s baby shower. Everywhere I looked the designs were mediocre at best or they were overpriced. Despite my best efforts, I eventually designed an invitation as best I could and found a decent(ish) place to get them printed. IF ONLY I would have known about Basic Invite then. They currently have an invitation almost IDENTICAL to the one I made, AND I could have adjusted the colors to match the baby shower theme. Basic Invite would have saved me so much time, and anxiety in designing the perfect invitation.


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We have a deal for you!

Right now Basic Invite is offering 15% with the coupon code 15FF51 to the readers of The91Rewind. Simply design your perfect invitations for graduation party, polaroid graduation invitations, or even inviations for a bridal shower or baby shower. Best of all , you’ll save while you do it! We were so happy to order and receive some “Adorable Badass Cards” from Basic Invite, and we are certain you will love your order too. Let Basic Invite take the stress out of your stationery designing, and send the perfect piece of snail mail as soon as you can.

As an added bonus to our readers, we would like to send you a gift too. To one lucky reader, we will send a pack of adorable badass cards and a note to share some love and encouragement. Leave a comment on this post or send us a message about why you want to start sending snail mail (or begin again). The lucky recipient will be chosen on April 22nd.

*This blog post is sponsored by Basic Invite, but all thoughts and opinions expressed are our own. We would never recommend a product or service that we have not or would not use. The small profit received for this piece is so that we can continue to create great content for you, our beloved readers (rewinders).*

taking care

only good things

@happedancing

It is not enough to imagine things could be better. It is not enough to hope for a day when things could change. We have to drive the change with action. It starts by looking for the best in ourselves, in the people we meet, in humanity. We know there are bad things happening all around, but we must not be discouraged. Let’s challenge ourselves to filter for all that is good.

Only Good Things.

By: Erica LaGarde

Only good things.

To myself, to others,

To strangers and familiars.

I promise to send positive vibes,

To choose words of a kind and gentle nature.

Optimism is my weapon.

I wield it for all.

I will root for you

And for me.

To wish the best for all of us.

I am in your corner,

As you are in mine.

We are kindred humans.

Spreading goodness begins within.

Banish doubt with encouragement.

Reframe negativity with action.

speak, share, project.

ONLY GOOD THINGS.

 

Choosing to focus on Only Good Things is a radical choice. It’s a choice that pushes against the negativity the world wants to highlight. It will challenge you, at times it will feel impossible, but it can be done, Let’s lift up those who do good things by continuing their example. Let us work each day to find only good things to dwell on.